I never thought I would be sitting here reflecting on life as much as I have been lately. I’m 38 years old and only now starting to realize how much I was missing of my life. I know the daily routine of life so that’s not what I mean, what I mean is i’m missing out on the good things. The things that matter. The life choices I’ve made, the bad decisions, the times I’ve said to myself “this won’t matter in the grand scheme of things”. The times I’ve thought “what’s the point?” or when my OCD or anxiety gets so bad that I have given up. What does that all mean? What is it that makes me think life is so hard. I really haven’t had it that bad. My life could be a lot worse. I know people who are struggling much harder than I am, yet for some reason here I am. My issues or struggles have become so bad that it overwhelms me. I have a hard time getting through one day without being stressed, without doubting myself, or without feeling like I’ve gone wrong somewhere in life. These feelings in the last few months have come to a head. I cannot continue the way I have been. I have so many good things in my life that I need to be able to focus on so the goal has now become how to achieve that.
I knew I had to start somewhere because my health was fading fast. The journey was unclear as I had never actually faced what my issues were. I did take the plunge and talk to my doctor, which to those who know me takes a lot as I don’t particularly enjoy doctors, but I started there. I assumed if I needed help he would guide me in the right direction. He did give me some good advice but of course I did some of my own research. I didn’t know if I wanted to either try and get some professional help with a psychologist and prescribed medication, or to try and find other ways. To me because the journey was so new I decided quickly that I should start with anything I could do to immediately help me then because this would be a lifelong journey and there would not be any quick fixes this would be something I would need to maintain. I started off with a mild prescription from my doctor to help ease my anxiety. I happened to be off work for other health issues so this would be a perfect time to start. I’ve never been on medication for anything like this before. I am the type of person who just holds in my feelings until they burst and of course I didn’t want to believe I even had issues to begin with so the idea of medication just never occurred to me.
Once I started taking the pills and talking about my issues a whole new side of me opened up. At first I really didn’t feel any different but then I started noticing I was reacting differently to certain things that used to send me over the edge. I started being more aware of what I was saying. Like the old saying goes ” think before you speak” I really never lived by that rule. I always just said what I thought. Then I’d start noticing I was listening more. I started to feel right again. I’m not saying that pills are the cure for all but what I am saying is the idea of something making me better opened up my mind to a lot more possibilities.
Writing has always been a great outlet for me. Its the most therapeutic experience I’ve ever had. I feel alive when I’m writing so it was a good place for me to start. Sharing my feelings and experiences is helping me understand why life got so hard. Or rather, why I thought life was so hard.
Where I am now is healing. I am healing my sorrow, life choices, anxiety’s, pain, depression, regret, fear, and more importantly I am learning in this process who I really am meant to be. In learning who that person is I will heal the person I used to be. This is a journey I would like to share with all of you. I want people not only to understand me and what I am going through but maybe help someone else on their journey. I am trying new outlets as well like meditation, reading, obviously writing, and also thinking of new ways to become my true self. I want to be self employed and pursue my interests, I want a new life. A happy life. A life worth living.
Where life is going to take me now I don’t know, but what I do know is I am on the right path. A path I will never regret starting…………..